This is the second post in my series involving my trip from Ontario, California to Ogden, Utah.

In my very best Jerry Seinfeld-ish voice I have to ask, “What’s the deal with speed limits?” By my own admission, I’m happy to keep my speedometer at or not more than four miles above the posted speed limit when it’s safe to do so. I hate speeding. Why? I can’t afford the ticket. I’m not afraid of going fast, I just can’t afford it. When I was in the Army at Fort Huachuca, Arizona, Adam Silverman would drive his turbo-charged Merkur XR4Ti to Tucson at better than 100 MPH so we could have more time to screw around and make fun of the Air Force guys from Davis-Monthan. My personal best, longest duration land speed record was 120 MPH on my Honda Interceptor because I was pissed off about something (a very, very stupid reason to drive fast). Anyway, it’s not the speed or the death I’m afraid of, it’s the cost. So I don’t speed.

Touring around my local freeways and interstates you’ll see signs allowing you to drive up to 65 MPH. The signs don’t really mean anything, though, because you’re usually locked in behind an idiot in a beat-up Nissan Sentra doing 50 MPH while the guy in the BMW next to you chats on his cell phone, oblivious to anything other than he’s going with the flow of traffic. Semi-trucks and vehicles pulling trailers in California are limited by law to 55 MPH. So, you’ve got the very slow traffic on the right side of the road and, when it’s open, traffic moving at better than 80 MPH in the left lane. I don’t know how many accidents are caused by cell phone texting shit heads trying to decelerate from 80 MPH in the fast lane to less than 50 MPH, crossing four lanes of traffic in a single motion, all so they can exit at the next turn-off. This is a case for my concept of summary executions for idiot drivers by Predator drones but it’s not the focus of this post.

North of Victorville, California, the speed limits become very generous at 70 MPH on Interstate 15. Semi-trucks and vehicles pulling trailers are still limited to 55 MPH. So, since it’s a two-lane freeway, watching the traffic in front of you is like watching a giant Slinky. You go into the left lane, punch it to 80 MPH to pass the guy in the Smart Car and then back it off to 75 MPH and return to the right lane. Oh, crap. A semi-truck. Back into the left lane for a quick pass and then return to the right lane. But it’s not just you. Everyone’s doing the same thing. Slinky, leap frog, whatever you want to call it, it’s fun to watch. Why? Because inevitably, one idiot will find another.

As you roll down the highway at a comfortable 75 MPH you see a semi-truck in the distance you know you’re going to have to pass. A quick look out your driver’s side mirror tells you someone is coming up in the fast lane rather quickly so you’ll need to wait a second before you think about passing the semi. You give the speed demon a couple of seconds and realize he wasn’t driving as fast as you thought. Worse, it’s a Cadillac. There’s no effing way you’re going to let a ghetto-sled Cadillac pass your finely-tuned piece of German engineering, so you accelerate to get in front of the Caddy and pass the semi.

But the Caddy’s on to you. All he has to do is push it just a little bit more (since he already has the speed and position advantage) and he’s effectively used the semi to block your forward movement while he cuts off your lateral movement. The classic “hammer and anvil” tactic. Used for centuries by fighting forces around the world, its brutal effectiveness most recently broadcast to the world by General Norman Schwarzkopf’s ground forces during Desert Storm. Awesome.

Anyway, you’re trapped. Worse, the Caddy brought a whole herd of people with him. All of them are now streaming around you and won’t let you in. You’re blocked and locked behind the semi until the procession of cars has passed. Then you join them as “Tail End Charlie.” But you want revenge. You and everyone in front of you to whom the Caddy did exactly the same maneuver. Everyone’s gunning to pass the Caddy. The first guy makes it. Success! Too bad he can’t tell you the guy driving the Cadillac is really a seventy year-old man who honestly had no concept that his driving had pissed off two miles of cars behind him. But that doesn’t matter because all of a sudden a highway patrol vehicle appears at the top of the next on-ramp. Now you’ll never have the chance to pass that bastard, reestablish your superiority and confirm once and for all that YOUR car is better than HIS car. Rat Freaking Bastard. But I digress.

North of the Nevada Interstate construction zone known as Las Vegas, the speed limit goes to 75 MPH. The speed limit didn’t matter, though, as I didn’t see a single highway patrol vehicle between Primm and Mesquite. Then I was in Arizona.

Arizona maintained the 75 MPH speed limit until you arrived at the Virgin River. The speed limit dropped to 60 MPH while you wound around the canyon. You’re only in Arizona for about 35 miles before you enter St. George, Utah.

Utah, I laugh in your general direction. The I-15 in California and Arizona had some of the worst pot holes, road damage and general disrepair I’ve ever seen. Shortly after leaving St. George I saw a warning sign for “Road Damage Ahead”. I was expecting an RV-swallowing pot hole with the remains of the countless tires it had destroyed strewn around it. What did I see? Nothing I would count as road damage, unless you meant that little bump where the asphalt met the concrete of an overpass. Was that it? I didn’t know. I moved on.

The speed limit continued to be 75 MPH. It was only then that I noticed semi-trucks and vehicles pulling trailers were no longer limited to 55 MPH. I don’t know when that requirement ended but it sure as heck didn’t exist in Utah. I had my cruise control set to 79 MPH and I was passed by people pulling trailers that were fishtailing down the freeway. The funniest was being passed by a guy pulling a U-Haul trailer that had a stencil you could clearly read that said, “Trailer Speed Limit 55 MPH”.

At this point I’m hours into my driving experience when I see the lights of a law enforcement vehicle ahead pulling someone over. In California, the knee-jerk reaction is to slow down. In Utah, I think the rule of thumb is that since the highway patrol has “bagged” one, everyone can speed up. I had reduced my speed to 75 MPH and pulled over into the left lane to give the patrolman room on the right (which is the law, as reminded by the billboards every five miles or so). I must have been the only idiot on the road. With the highway patrolman right-stinking-there, people were pulling into the slow lane and accelerating to pass me. Very odd. And then I saw the highway patrol car.

Back in the eighties (I don’t know about now), the California Highway Patrol used to operate Cameros on some freeways. It reminded me of the first Mad Max movie where the Aussies had Pursuit and Interceptor cars. Utah’s keeping the dream alive. A very, very nice Mustang GT with a really cool sky blue paint job with a yellow racing stripe had pulled someone over. Later, similarly painted Dodge Challengers and more Mustang GTs enforced the speed limit law along the interstate. Kind of.

Some areas of Utah had a sign that said something to the effect of, “Speed limit test area.” The speed limit increased from 75 MPH to 80 MPH, but I think that was just a recommendation. I put my cruise control on 84 MPH and was left in the dust by anything with two wheels or more. And I don’t mean they crept up behind me and took a minute to pass. This was full-on autobahn driving at its best. Eventually, a 75 MPH sign would reappear along with the highway patrol.

Between the start of the 80 MPH signs and the next 75 MPH sign you couldn’t find a highway patrolman to save your life. But within a mile or two of the “reduced” speed back to 75 MPH? Watch your ass. So, finally, I return to my initial question, “What’s the deal with speed limits?”

Why can I go 90 MPH or better in an 80 MPH zone but get popped for going 80 MPH in a 75 MPH zone? Does Utah have a “text-type” code? Perhaps I read the sign incorrectly. Work with me on this. You know how a colon and a right parenthetical mark make a smiley face like this 🙂 and a colon and an upper-case “p” make a person sticking their tongue out at you like this 😛 ? Maybe instead of reading as an eight and a zero, I wonder if they’re actually symbols that represent speed. You know, the eight really represents your eye sockets and the zero represents your open mouth unable to close because of the wind speed. Look at it again: 80 . Do you see it? If someone died because they were going to fast, would the sign look like this 8P ? If they were driving angry, would it look like this >80 ? A uni-brow speed-driver’s sign would look like this |80 ?

I don’t know. I don’t speak leet key and I really don’t think the Utah Highway Patrol promotes leet key or text symbol traffic signs. But it’s Utah. What do I know?