I recently went to a roller derby bout in Los Angeles. I remember watching the Los Angeles Thunderbirds on television in the 1970s and the mid-70s movie Rollerball (James Caan, Maud Adams) is one of my favorite movies. But today’s roller derby is nothing like what I thought I remembered.

My son and I went to the L.A. Derby Dolls at the Dollhouse. You can find a ton of information about roller derby and the L.A. Derby Dolls here. But if you’ve read this blog before, you know I need to tell the story.

Finding this area of Los Angeles is not that difficult. You jump on the 10 freeway and head west. But then the “you’d better know where you’re going” phase hits. Miss the turns and you either wind up in the East L.A. Interchange (heaven help you no matter what time of day it is) or in downtown Los Angeles.

I knew, but the Google Maps app did not clearly state, that the exit I needed was hidden in the exit for the 710 freeway south. If you’re familiar with the Cal State Los Angeles area you know exactly where I’m talking about. We exited the 10 west and approached the 710 south and then at the last minute, as you’re about to execute the 270 degree turn to head south, you bail off the transition road and wind up on the correct road. And then it got hairy.

Unless you have some super high-speed data connection with your cell phone, you can easily out-drive your Google Maps connection. As we negotiated the “keep left” and “bear right” directions from my iPhone, we wound up in an anonymous section of Los Angeles where they apparently lost funding to post street signs. We flipped a U-turn in an odd industrial neighborhood where an unusual amount of primer painted old-school Rivieras and Monte Carlos were parked (and I use that term loosely, as they were just kind of all over the place). I told my son to remember I loved him and his sisters and departed the area as quickly as my Fred Flintstone feet could carry us.

But the foray into the turf battle between the Sharks and the Jets (without the musical accompaniment) gave my phone enough time to relocate where we were and let us refresh our “get us the frickity frick out of Dodge” setting, aka “from current location to destination”. We were within a mile. Awesome.

Do you know what a roller derby venue looks like? Me neither, at the time. Now I know it to be a nondescript warehouse with a big banner on the side. More on this, later.

Since we had already missed the first bout, all the parking places available at the venue and within the legal parking areas on the street were taken. We drove through the neighborhood and quickly realized that we did not belong there. I don’t care what you say about racism or profiling or whatever. My comment isn’t about that. Simply put, the vehicle I drive would stand out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. First and foremost: the reflective “San Bernardino County Fire Department” sticker I have in my back window. It’s not a California State Firefighter’s Association helmet which might have been okay. It’s in the shape of a shoulder patch. If absolutely everything else was equal, the fact that it was from the “wrong” county would have targeted me as an outsider. So we moved on.

We found a very helpful security guard on the street corner across from the venue that told us not to park in the neighborhood (duh!) but down the at a mini-mall parking lot they had reserved for visitors. We headed in the direction the guard indicated and then immediately we both suffered from short-term memory loss. Did he say, “Turn right” or “Turn left” at the light? It didn’t matter. I turned right into an empty mini-mall parking lot with a Dunkin’ Donuts, a Dominos and a Carl’s Junior. I parked in a handicapped spot and displayed my handicapped placard. I figured if I got towed I got towed but I was counting on them being a little more lenient with the vehicles displaying the blue placard. Then we headed back to the venue.

The walk to the Dollhouse was, in hindsight, uneventful. However, as we walked down the street we could hear but not see voices of people on the other side moving in the same direction as us. It turned out they had actually parked where we should have parked (by taking a right and then an immediate left and leaving our car in the lot with the security staff). But we didn’t know that.

We made it to the venue and walked down the four or five steps from the sidewalk through the gate into the parking lot. Wow. What a change. The parking lot was clean, well marked and had benches, chairs and tables to either rest upon or to eat if you purchased food from the on-site food truck. Food trucks are big in Los Angeles county but not so much in San Bernardino county, by the way. I know the truck that was there had a huge Twitter following and they were selling all the wearable advertising they could sell but since I’m not that much of a foodie it didn’t matter to me.

My military ID and my son’s school ID meant we got into the venue for $20. That’s a heck of a sight better than the $40 I was expecting. The ladies at the point of entry were very nice and clearly wanted to make sure we spoke with them if we had any questions, issues or problems.

We took a lap around the outside of the track to see the vendors. In addition to all the obvious L.A. Derby Doll merchandise they had all kinds of goods available. I was really impressed not only at the variety but also by the fact that everything was reasonable. You could buy a calendar for $5 or Derby Dolls socks for $8. It seemed designed to encourage repeat customers rather than the once-in-a-lifetime sale like vendors at the Renaissance Faire or the County Fair. I purchased a cup of steaming hot coffee from a local coffee vendor’s booth that was awe-freaking-some. It was sweetened with orange and cinnamon and tasted delicious. The large cup, probably 12 ounces, was less than $2.00. Nice.

As I mentioned, we missed the first bout. Who skated: Kids. Young kids. I’m telling you, this is not the roller derby I thought I knew. In fact, we saw a number of women walking around who were clearly roller derby team members from other teams that were not skating that night. They carried signs saying that if you had a question you could talk to her. Once my son and I got settled into one of the standing risers (premium prices charged for seats, by the way), we called over one of the sign girls.

Lucrettia Mott, an obvious alias, spent about ten minutes with us explaining the rules, the scoring and the skaters. On the track that night were an off-duty police officer and a teacher. Many of the women were office employees, students and housewives. I asked about fighting and throwing elbows and whatnot and she told us that two bouts prior to that night, two women were expelled not just from the game but from the league and organized roller derby as a whole because they got into a fight. Fascinating. Clearly not what I was expecting.

My son made a comment about the venue itself. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where George met lots of fantastically beautiful women at a club that by day was a meat-packing plant? That’s what this place reminded us of. Except for the banked rink, everything else looked like it was built for rapid dis-assembly and movement. Don’t get me wrong! The risers were rock-solid and nothing seemed illicit or anything like that at all! It was just funny to us that by day the warehouse could be an auto parts distribution facility but at 5:00 all the parts are trucked out and the rink and risers put in.

Security was not an issue. They have clearly marked walkways which you cannot block. They have one level of security which is the girls with the “ask me” signs. If they see you doing something (like standing) where you shouldn’t be, they’ll ask you to move. If you don’t move, the second level of security gets involved, which appeared to be the off-duty referees who were walking around the track. If you really screwed up, they called the yellow-shirt “SECURITY” guys over. I only saw three or four of those guys. In fact, I interacted with one when I unknowingly was standing in a clearly marked (on the floor) “Do Not Stand Here” space and I could not understand what the security guy was saying. I thought he wanted to see my wristband. I kept showing him my wristband but he kept pointing at my shoes. A very odd man. Until I realized he was pointing at the “Do Not Stand Here” marking. Then I felt like an idiot.

They do sell alcohol and they do check IDs. If you didn’t pay for an alcohol pass at the front desk and receive an Age Verified wristband, you’re not buying or drinking. And they had plenty of people watching. I felt very comfortable and safe the entire time I was there. And the people? Oh my gosh.

First of all, when my son and I first took up a position in the risers, we were standing right behind two young girls. They were over 21 (based on the wristbands) but probably not much older. During a break in the action the announcer said they were welcoming “whozit” and “whatzit” (I didn’t catch their names) from Vivid Video. The two girls did a hoop and a holler and everyone looked at them and clapped, some taking pictures. I don’t know if you know what Vivid Video is but look it up. If you knew me even five or six years ago I would have photo-bombed the crap out of that opportunity. Now I’m embarrassed that my face might appear on Vivid’s Facebook page (if they have one) standing right there with the girls. But also there was a sitting City Council member from Los Angeles and a guy from the TV show Sleepy Hollow. Being Los Angeles, everyone was represented, that’s for certain.

But the guys. Seriously. If you take out the low-rider driving individuals with their Panama hats and booty-short wearing wives and girlfriends, you’re left with a bakery store’s worth of man-buns. You’ve seen the new man-bun trend; it’s a version of the mullet except you don’t let your hair fall over your shoulders. You tie it up into a shogun-inspired hair bun. I don’t know if this is a hipster doofus hair style or just a generic doofus hair style but it was very funny. Me being me I openly laughed at them. What are they going to do? Argue with The Beard of Righteousness? Not bloody likely! Would I mock one of the Panama-hat, Low Rider brand wearing individuals? Not on your life. I’m not completely stupid. I just picked on the man-buns. Even the most-buff bun-sporting doofus was not immune. Am I a bully by nature? Not hardly. But put me in the middle of a pack of hipsters (like anywhere in Flagstaff) or in a field of man-buns and I have a field day. One day some doof will let down his bun like the Capuera instructor on Bob’s Burgers and I’ll get my butt kicked, but I’d only have myself to blame.

You need to make time to stay for the entire bout and the after party. We started our day at 7:00AM attending an eight-hour First Aid/CPR/AED certification course so I was dog-tired. We stayed for the end of the bout and left with most of the guests. Since we were moving as a pack back in the direction of where I parked my car and because we could see security staff along the route I felt very comfortable walking back to my car. My car, by the way, was still parked where I left it and appeared in relatively the same shape in which I left it. It was only as we were leaving that we discovered where the secure parking lot had been located. I know it costs $10 to park there but that’s where I’ll park when I go back if I can’t get anything closer.

But back to the topic. I had an absolute blast at the Dollhouse. I see this as good, clean wholesome fun for the whole family. Well, kids over eight or so. I didn’t see a single stroller, infant or toddler anywhere in sight but there were lots of kids and couples. I didn’t hear any swearing at all. I didn’t see anything which might give me pause and not want me to take my kids. Smoking was restricted to two specific areas outside, away from the food and rest areas and one of the outside bars. I know this is shallow and uniformed, but no one looked like a drug dealer or looked like they were on drugs. I think between the ladies at the front desk and the multiple layers of security those people are quickly dealt with and removed.

If you live in the Los Angeles area and want to check it out, you need to act quickly! I think the last bout is coming up in the next couple of weeks. Check the schedule on-line at the link above.

I really think you’ll have a good time.