At about 7:30 this morning I was engaged in a rather unusual discussion as a group of us met for coffee. An acquaintance of mine admitted an addiction to something they had been introduced to at a young age. The addiction grew over the years and although the family and the first spouse were aware of the issue, it was dismissed. Now on a second marriage, the individual had hidden the addiction from the current spouse out of fear and embarrassment. Until late last week.
Not wanting to hide the issue any longer, my acquaintance admitted the addiction to their spouse. Fast forward past the embarrassment, hurt and crying period they described, we come to today. It did not end as I thought.
My acquaintance told a small group of us everything that had happened from the initial contact to the most-recent event regarding the addiction. We were told of the attempts to self-heal and the subsequent failures. We were told of the life-long hurt and humiliation they experienced. Crying, one of my group came forward and admitted to exactly the same issue.
As we discussed and comforted those two, it became apparent that the addiction they had was no different than many other addictions: drugs, alcohol, pornography, anger, abuse. The key today, though, was this individual having the courage to come forward and admit the issue and ask for help.
As we were breaking to leave, a friend of mine came to me and asked what I thought about what had happened this morning. I related my thoughts and asked if we should have done anything different than what we did. No, I was told, we did everything this person would have hoped to have happen. In fact, how we reacted gave my friend the courage to admit an addiction to me.
Not to make light of it, but I thought I was done with the “Day of Confession” and was taken aback by this new admission. But it got more interesting. My friend not only wanted me to support them while they sought help, I was specifically asked to be this person’s accountability partner. I freely admit I have no idea what an accountability partner is, what they do, or how they establish accountability. All I know is that my friend asked for help and I, as I’m certain you would, freely gave it.
The first thing I was asked to do was read a passage from the bible out loud with my friend, which we did. I was then told that as far as my friend was concerned, they considered me “faithful” and “beyond reproach”. In fact, they felt I was perhaps the only person they could put into those categories. Wow.
Simultaneously, I had a huge feeling of honor that someone would think that highly of me while also feeling a huge weight of responsibility placed on a yoke around my neck. So, if something like this happens to you, do what we did:
First, we discussed the fact that I am no more or less human than my friend. Just because they honored me with very kind and blessing-filled words doesn’t mean I walk the straight-and-narrow path 24/7. I trip and fall just like the next person and, like most of my friends, I choose to get up and keep walking.
Second, I am not responsible for my friend’s behavior. If they back-slide, it is due to a conscious choice on their part and not because I did or failed to do something for them.
Finally, we established that an “accountability partner” is someone who can be called at any time to offer either words of encouragement, support, or meeting for coffee at all hours of the night. For us, an “accountability partner” is not a babysitter, an au pair or a scapegoat. If my friend is in a moment of weakness and needs strength and encouragement, I’ll be there. If they fall prey to their weakness, I’ll be there to lift them up and help them keep on the path they *want* to be on, not the path to which they briefly returned.
So, all this said, by the time 10:00AM rolled around, I learned a lot from and about a group of friends and acquaintances I see quite regularly. I also took on a role to which I personally felt unprepared but to which a friend of mine felt I was solely able to execute. Although I have a lot of mixed emotions about it, I feel confident that will succeed in my duties. Why? Not because I think I can do it myself but because my friend thinks I can do it and has asked for my help.
It goes without saying (to me, at least) that God played a huge roll in the lives of the people I associated with this morning. It took guts for the first person to admit their addiction. It took guts for the second person to join with the first. It took guts for my friend to ask me for help. It didn’t take guts for me to agree. I did what you would have done–helped a friend in need. At least that’s what I hope you would do…
Because I know my friend will read this post, I felt it appropriate to include the bible verse we read today that gave them the courage to approach me and ask for help:
A psalm of David.
1 I will sing of your love and justice, Lord.
I will praise you with songs.
2 I will be careful to live a blameless life—
when will you come to help me?
I will lead a life of integrity in my own home.
3 I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar.
I hate all who deal crookedly; I will have nothing to do with them.
4 I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil.
5 I will not tolerate people who slander their neighbors.
I will not endure conceit and pride.
6 I will search for faithful people to be my companions.
Only those who are above reproach will be allowed to serve me.
7 I will not allow deceivers to serve in my house,
and liars will not stay in my presence.
8 My daily task will be to ferret out the wicked
and free the city of the Lord from their grip.