Category Archives: Self-Help

According to one subscriber, I liken myself to a self-help guru. Not true, but it inspired me to create a category wherein I can make you feel better or worse about yourself and what you’re doing. After all, it’s all about me, right?

Desire

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I catch flak all the time for rambling blog posts. Buckle-up, Buttercup, this might be one of them.

I had a long conversation with someone recently about their desires. Nothing carnal, mind you, but emotional, spiritual and physical desires. For those playing along with the home version of the game, our reference today will be the Bible, John 6. That’s in the New Testament for those of you new to the game.

Jesus asks a man a very important question. What afflicted the man is unclear. Some versions say he was ill. Others say he was infirm or crippled or lame. So the condition of the man is less important than the question Jesus asks. Different people have different translations or versions of the Bible. I own eleven myself, not including the online versions available. That said, let’s review the question:
> American Standard Version and Revised Version: “Wouldest thou be made whole?”
> Bible in Basic English: “Is it your desire to get well?”
> English Standard Version: “Do you want to be healed?”
> Holman Christian Standard Bible and the International Standard Version: “Do you want to get well?”
> King James Version: “Wilt thou be made whole?”
> New Living Translation: “Would you like to get well?”

On its face it seems like a no-brainer. If I am sick or lame or whatever, do I want to be healed? Of course! What kind of question is that? But therein lies the rub: what kind of question IS it?

What is “getting well” or “being healed?” if you had lung cancer you would want to be well, right? What if, heaven forbid, that meant you had to quit smoking? Is it worth it? “Of course, dumb ass! I have cancer!” But we all know the risks of smoking well before it becomes cancerous. Do you really want to be well? Yes, but when it’s convenient for you. You won’t stop smoking today because {insert lame-ass reason here}. But I don’t want to pick on smokers alone.

How about the soda drinkers in the house? Are you willing to do what it takes to give that up? Do you want to be well? Meat eaters? Tostada gnoshers? Butter guzzlers? Do you want to be healed? Does it sound ridiculous yet? The question is not as simple as it sounds.

What if you were experiencing a crisis of faith. What if everything you thought was true had been shaken. One day you woke up and realized the voice in your head had been lying to you. In an attempt to sort out what you now think must be the new normal you scream into the night to silence the cacaphony of voices in your head telling you what to do. Each voice comes from a trusted source but not one of the voices does anything but either reinforce the lie you once believed or offers you another lie to replace it.

But then one voice softly asks, “Do you want to be healed?” Finally! Through prayer and reflection and an understanding of Christ’s character, you recognize the question as the very same that Jesus asked that man. “Do you want to be healed?” Do you?

What if healing, true healing, required you to step away from every voice telling you lies? What if in exchange for healing, wellness and emotional stability you had to lose a friend? That friend with whom you shared good times but now find yourself in a rage every day because they ever-so-sweetly remind you of all your past failures. Could you give them up?

Could you step away from a job from which you derived no satisfaction but paid very well? That job, that voice in your head, reminding you of your failed commitments, sub-par performance and disappointments; could you–would you give it up for true healing?

Healing is much more than waiting for a cut to scab over. Emotional healing, recovering from a lifetime of cuts and battering, can take years. When I answered that quiet voice in my head if I desired to be well, I started what has been the best journey of my life. Step one was culling my “friend” list.

When I was going through a very difficult period in my life a few years ago only three or four people with whom I had regular contact actually supported me. These people would laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me or some combination of these three things. If I asked them to listen and not comment, that’s exactly what they did. I very much valued their counsel but sometimes you just want to vent.

Now I have a new set of friends that know me, accept me and love me for who I am. If they judge me it is a comparison of my experiences with theirs for discussion, not holding up my past against an unrealistic ideal they can’t even match but which they use to harangue me and call me hypocrite or failure.

I broke old habits I had which kept me in a rut. Desiring to be healed and working through the process are different. I was in Tae Kwon Do for a number of years. It was full-contact (with pads) but it was serious business. The two things my instructor used to say that I took to heart are these:
Everyone wants to be Bruce Lee but no one wants to put forth the effort;
If you do not practice punching (or kicking or blocking) at full speed and with all your strength all you have done is go through the motions. When you take a blow and fall to the floor you need to get back up. If that was the best your opponent had to offer you were prepared for what might follow; the shock was gone.

Because of my arrogance and unwillingness to yield (tap out), my children more than once had to help me out of my car when I returned home but his lesson was valid. When my depression or anxiety would knock me to the floor, I knew it would not get worse. I did not need to fear that the next bout of misery would be worse; the worst had already tried to put me down. It didn’t succeed so it had lost its element of surprise. I could practice the process of emotional healing and get stronger every day.

But I went through this because I answered yes to the question, “Do you desire to be well?” True, deep healing takes time. You need to make time for the process. I truly and earnest hope my friend desires healing. Speaking from experience, the end result far exceeds the temporary pain you will have.

A Sparky Quick Guide (#1)

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How to be a Total Ass at the Lone Survivor Movie

This is not a movie review, but a guide. Play along and you too can be a total ass, mocked and hated by the theater audience.

Step 1: Preparation
Drink two very large cups of coffee about an hour before the movie.

Step 2: Hydration
Arrive at the theater ten minutes after its scheduled start time. Purchase a large beverage of your choice and enjoy it during the show.

Step 3: Frustration
As the battle scenes really take off, realize that the two coffees and the large theater beverage have decided they’ve visited your kidneys and over-stayed their welcome in your bladder. Know, however, that because you arrived late you had to sit in the very top row of a stadium-seat theater: the exit is down a long flight of stairs. This step is critical: sit and wait.

Step 4: Perspiration
Really work up a panic sweat as you realize the movie is two hours long and you still have half an hour to go. You’re almost ready to be an ass!

Step 5: Walk Out
When you think the movie ends because the credits start to roll, get up and walk down the stairs. Your experience may vary. Because I can’t go down stairs very well due to an injury, my walk was slow and one stair at a time. Rather than the entire theater jumping up to join me in a mass exodus, everyone stayed in their seats. I realized about four rows down that they were rolling a tribute to all of the real service members involved in the operation depicted by the movie. The entire theater was stone silent except for the sniffling and crying of both men and women. I, of course, could neither return to my seat nor expedite my exit by taking two or three stairs at a time. So I plodded along, one stair at a time, praying a silent prayer that I could hold out long enough to make it to the restroom which was on the far side of the mega-plex.

Step 6: Wall of Shame
Having made it to the restroom in the nick of time, all I had to do was wait for my son, whom I knew would be following shortly after the movie ended. Unfortunately, he actually stayed through the entire credit and tribute sequence and then had to wait for the fifteen or twenty rows below him to clear the stairs before he could exit. This, of course, meant I had fifteen to twenty rows of red-eyed, movie-going, flag-waving patriots staring me down as I stood against the wall next to the men’s room. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

So there you have it. I probably could have left my seat at any time during the Marky-Mark action scenes and no one would have said or thought anything about it. But to leave your seat during the memorial tribute? It takes a special kind of total ass to pull off that maneuver.

Confused

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I had an interesting (if not lengthy) conversation recently. The subject: forgiveness. Please, don’t stop reading yet, this isn’t a sermon. I’d like to think of it as either two opposing viewpoints from the same side or an encapsulation of the differences different Christian philosophies take.

My friend, whom I shall refer to as “Alex”, was speaking to me this Sunday after already having consumed a fairly large amount of alcohol. We spoke of life, fate, destiny and a few other philosophically deep issues one only engages in on the road to being face-down drunk in the gutter. The conversation was going well until they hit upon two things which really grind my gears: I’m responsible for my own actions but no matter what, Jesus forgives me. Hold the ponies, please!

First off, I absolutely agree that every single one of us remains responsible for the consequence of our actions. I’ve blogged about this before. But to be clear, people tend to make decisions based on information, beliefs and anticipated consequences AT THE TIME of the decision. Take drunk driving, for example: Most people determine that the risk of being caught (not the risk of injury or death to oneself or someone else) is a huge factor in helping them decide if they should drive home “buzzed” or not. So they decide not to drive.

I am not a tea-toting, any-alcohol-is-evil, do-gooder. I enjoy beer, wine and hard alcohol at my discretion and very much with a self-prescribed limit. My friends know that no amount of taunting, teasing or threatening will get me to drink if I have chosen to abstain. I do not succumb to peer pressure and find those that do weak, lacking self discipline and cowardly. It’s that old line about, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.” No means no, not, “ask me two more times and I’ll say yes.”

To me, the problem with alcohol remains with the person drinking. Going to a party, getting drunk, having sex and (worst case) getting pregnant or contracting an STD or (best case) having huge regrets for losing control, are not the fault of the alcohol. The alcohol didn’t get you pregnant. The alcohol didn’t make you lose your inhibitions; alcohol becomes the excuse, not the reason. YOU made the decision to drink, YOU made the decision not to stop when you’d clearly had enough, YOU remain responsible for the consequences of those actions.

After much debate, Alex and I agreed: alcohol in and of itself is neither good nor bad, virtuous nor evil, it just IS. How we interact with alcohol, our decisions and their consequences, are our responsibility. We cannot blame the alcohol.

Regardless, as it related to our conversation, Alex agreed that perhaps they had consumed too much alcohol as being “shit-faced” is not Alex’s normal condition. But then came the second part of the discussion. As far as Alex was concerned, it wasn’t cool to get drunk on Sunday but it was okay. Jesus understood that sometimes we all need to vent sometimes so Alex was already making plans to go to church either later that Sunday night or next Sunday. What?

I was reminded that Jesus said He would never leave us nor forsake us. Alex, as a Christian, had accepted Jesus into their life. As of that instant, I was told, nothing Alex did, no matter how sinful, arrogant or prideful, could be held against them on Judgement Day; Jesus had already forgiven Alex of everything Alex had done or would do. This is where the day got interesting.

I reminded Alex of the woman brought before Jesus who had been caught in an affair. Jesus agreed she should be put to death and offered that whoever was without sin should cast the first stone. When all of the woman’s accusers had left, Jesus forgave her and told her to sin no more. He didn’t tell her to meet him back at the temple next week so she could be forgiven again, nor did he give he a magic decoder ring that would absolve her of that same sin whenever she did it. No. He told her to go and sin no more. No more. Not, “give it a week or two”; no more.

So the argument ensued. On the one hand, Alex told me repeatedly that Jesus would always forgive any sin of any kind because, “He would never leave us.” I reminded Alex there remains a huge difference between being intentional and unintentional when it comes to sin. Two examples: Drinking and sex.

The Bible states not to be drunk. It doesn’t say not to drink. It doesn’t say beer is evil or whiskey is the drink of the devil. It says to not be drunk. Getting drunk any day of the week, Sunday included, is no worse than any other day. If you ask Jesus to forgive your drinking today (because it’s Sunday), will He? Yes, I’m sure. But I’m also sure God doesn’t want to hear you ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over and over again if (and here’s the kicker) you’re not trying to help yourself out of that situation.

If you’re married and you have an affair, will God forgive you if you ask? Yes. Will he continue to forgive you when you engage in sexual activity with someone other than your spouse simply because you ask? I doubt it. The excuse of, “Well, we’re separated anyway” or “we’re in the process of getting divorced” cannot sit well with a God who, although certainly capable of forgiving you, should not have to forgive you every single time you chose to dishonor Him by not seeking help (though Jesus) for your situation.

For me, an intentional sin would be drinking to excess because you believe Jesus will forgive you. You believe Jesus will forgive you when you leave your lover’s bed to return home and feel little or no remorse for your actions. But not just once, over and over and over again. Unintentional sin would be more like the result of succumbing to temptation, negligence or ignorance. Drinking a beverage you did not know was spiked, for example. Or not realizing that Kahlua and milk is far more intoxicating that Coors Light. Or getting so caught up in the moment that before you knew it, you were both naked on the floor.

If an experience causes you to feel guilty about what you’ve done so much so that you do not wish to repeat the event, you will take God’s forgiveness and use it as a foundation from which you can build recovery. Shame will not be an issue because you have taken steps to acknowledge, confront and remove the guilt you felt that created an obstacle to your relationship with God. Your intent is to not repeat that action; to sin no more.

But if the event is a badge of honor (“Yeah, I slept with them” or “Dude, this one time I was so effed up”) or a ritual (“It’s Super Bowl Sunday, of course I’m getting drunk” or “It’s my birthday, of course I’m getting laid”) or an expectation (“He invited me to spend the weekend on his yacht, of course I’ll sleep with him” or “It’s guys night out, time to par-tay”), why even bother asking for forgiveness? You have no intention of changing your lifestyle, you just want to “cover your bases”.

Alex and I agreed to disagree. Alex maintains that Jesus will always and forever forgive you of sin if you ask simply because you asked. I maintain that Jesus will forgive you of sin if you ask but will certainly expect you to change your relationship to that sin such that you wish to be free of it, not continually repeat it. I left Alex with one of my favorite New Testament passages, Matthew 7:13-23. You’ll have to look that up yourself. It’ll be too much like a sermon if I repeat it here.

Your thoughts?

Change

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I attended a seminar last night presented by a psychologist specializing in treating emotional trauma with an emphasis in PTSD. He said a few things I really, really liked and would like to share them here.

First, crisis issues precipitate any real change in behavior. An example might be a diagnosis of diabetes. You’ve known the health risks for years and failed to act. Only when confronted with the real-world diagnosis that your body has had enough of your current lifestyle do you decide to change. Now you eat healthier, exercise more and monitor your body’s functions.

Second, crisis issues force you to make decisions. You must choose a course of action. A line from one of my favorite Rush songs says, “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Very well said. You can choose to ignore the crisis or you can choose to attempt to resolve or diminish the crisis issue. Regardless, the crisis forces you to make a decision.

Third, the decisions you make while in crisis define your character. This, perhaps, spoke more to me than anything else. If a crisis issue meets you head-on, do you choose to reach for a bottle and avoid the issue by drinking it away? Do you grab the remote and tune to a crime drama to avoid the issue? Do you grab a book and try to lose yourself in fantasy? How you react in crisis defines your character. You can’t hide from it. If you fall into despair and hopelessness when a crisis occurs, you need to reevaluate your self-image. Are you really as optimistic as you think you are? Does your self-worth and integrity suffer every time you have a life crisis?

Finally, all decisions you make have consequences you must own. Think about it: If you get angry at your spouse because they lost their job, you’re in crisis mode. Rather than embrace the situation and work towards resolution, you condemn your spouse and turn to friends and alcohol to avoid the crisis. One night you decide to drive home after having one drink too many and find yourself waking up in a hospital being charged with drunk driving and vehicular manslaughter. Whose fault is it? Did your spouse “make” you drink? Did your spouse “make” you drive drunk? No. Inasmuch as you must suffer the consequences of your actions, so too must you take responsibility for the decisions you make in or out of crisis. Listen to your self-talk, the voices in your head when you’re alone. Do you hear them accuse others of “making” you this way or do you hear the voice of reason acknowledging the decision(s) you made might not be the same you would choose if you could have a “do-over”?

Accountability

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People oftentimes say things in the heat of the moment because of anger. Although I may not agree with this as a valid excuse I do understand it happens. But there is a significant difference between what is said in the heat of the moment and what you swear to in a written document submitted to a court.

Think about the things you say about others every day. I don’t mean the platitudes about how nice they are or how special they are, I mean what you REALLY say about others. Today your best friend might be an asshole and tomorrow they might be the light that brightens your path. Those words come and go depending on your mood. Everyone has moods. But to swear to something before a court that you know to be blatantly untrue? That takes a special kind of person; someone who must practice lies and deception so much that they have bought into their own hype. They think the false world they’ve created is, in fact, reality. Their memory of specific events or actions is incorruptible and unquestionable.

Today, as I do every day, I spent some time in self-reflection and meditation. It keeps me calm, focused, and at peace with those whom I might have encouraged confrontation previously. As I was sitting quietly reflecting on my day, a thought came to my mind: Righteousness gives life, Condemnation is death. I took that thought and asked how I could apply it to my life today. Here’s I came up with:

If you can sit for a full hour, 60 full minutes, without any distractions whatsoever, listen to what your mind is telling you. First off, if you can’t be still for an hour perhaps you have avoidance issues. You might be afraid of the truths screaming at you from your conscience. Perhaps by being constantly distracted you keep the demons at bay. Reading, listening to the radio, watching television; these all keep you from spending time with your own conscience. Perhaps you self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Add in a social smoking habit and you set yourself up to be fully occupied and distracted from having to listen to any truth that might be trying to convict you.

When I talk about Righteousness, I don’t mean a holier-than-thou self-righteousness attitude. I simply mean being honest with yourself, with a character that exudes integrity. When you can speak with righteousness (integrity) about someone or something, you have credibility.

Condemnation, to me, is speaking ill of someone or looking for the worst in a person, situation or event. Berating, belittling, speaking ill of someone you do not know or situations you do not understand are all condemning in nature. Doing so, to me, clearly shows a lack of integrity. You might speak so poorly of another person that they sincerely ask for your forgiveness for some transgression they never recall but which must have happened because of your continued haranguing. Although you claim to forgive them and say you’ve “moved on”, in fact nothing they ever do will put them right in your eyes again. Ever. This, then, is another reason you can’t bear to be alone for an hour without distraction: you will be convicted and condemned by your own words.

One thing I have always tried to maintain is my integrity. Anyone, my wife, my kids, my friends; anyone who wants to know where I am just has to ask. I will not say I am going to work late only to duck out early to catch the ball game at the local bar. I am where I say I’m going to be. I don’t believe it’s healthy to deceive your family or your friends. It would be totally out of character for me to rack up a few thousand dollars of credit card bills and hide it from my spouse. I could not, for example, claim and over-state the cost of my child’s textbooks so I could increase the amount of my tax refund. I have a fundamental issue with lies and deception like this, especially when it comes to my family.

I had the opportunity this week to read a document wherein someone swore in a court document that someone had hidden a small fortune from their family. The same sworn document stated a few other blatant and obvious distortions to actual events it was sad to read. Why? Because I know the author of the document believes with all their heart the “facts” they presented were true. It’s not worth my time to try and correct the person’s memory. In time, sooner or later, their own conscience will convict them in their heart. They know, or at least they should know, that what they claim is true is so out of character for the other person it would be hard for anyone who knows them to believe the claimant.

So, I’ve said all of this to get to my challenge: I challenge each of you to sit for one full hour, distraction-free, by yourself, and just clear your mind. Don’t think about the work you have to do or the time you’re “wasting” by doing this exercise. Try it. Be purposeful and do it with intent.

What is your heart telling you about yourself? What lies or acts of deception have you committed for which you remain accountable and guilty? From whom should you seek forgiveness to correct your actions?

If you can be still and listen to your heart, you might learn a lot about yourself. Try it.