Popeye, an old fraternity brother of mine, posted a Facebook comment to one of his friends last night. The woman posted her status as, “It’s sad that over 25 years of relationship with someone can be thrown away by 20 minutes in front of a stranger.” I don’t know if she was paraphrasing someone else or not, but that’s not important. What I found disturbing were the comments her “friends” made.

To me, a friend is someone who provides counsel when asked, listens when appropriate and bears your burdens with you as if they were their own. Although I could, I will not infuse today’s discussion with references to Christianity or morality as not everyone shares my beliefs. For that matter, we may share a common belief but not to the same degree. This said, today’s discussion will not be humorous or lighthearted but it will let me vent a frustration.

I do not know Popeye’s friend and do not feel it appropriate for me to post a comment (if I could) to her Facebook wall. However, her “friends” are alive with comments and apparently feel free to spew their ‘supportive’ morality at-will. I gather from her status and a couple of comments that her husband of at least 20+ years cheated on her. She was specific in her post to choose the words ’25 years of relationship’ as opposed to ’25 years of marriage’. To me, that’s telling.

I gather from this brief snapshot of a relationship that they might have been having problems. I do not get the impression she was still in a honeymoon period this far into the relationship and the affair took her by surprise. What I do feel is that perhaps she hoped things would get better and that they may even have been in counseling.

I read her post as a cry from a broken heart looking for healing. “Over 25 years of relationship” tells me they may have had a long friendship and/or engagement before they married. Perhaps they were together three or four years before they married as a way to ‘validate’ their decision as appropriate. Who knows. I don’t think people who live together before they get married stay together longer than those who don’t. For what it’s worth, I strongly, strongly oppose living together before marriage and no, it’s not just because of my religious beliefs.

If you’ve been in a committed, monogamous relationship for over two years, you’ve passed the honeymoon period. I can’t cite it right here right now, but research shows that many relationships go through a period anywhere from 6 months to 2 years where the sex is frequent and the acceptance of the other person’s quirks is constant. After two years, however, the sex and intimacy falls off and those cute little quirks become obnoxious personality traits that seem insurmountable. After three years, you have to make the relationship work. Both of you.

I can’t stress enough that I don’t know who this woman is or what issues she faced in her marriage. Her friends should know, however. But that’s not what I read. Again, I understood her post to be a cry of heartfelt pain; a plea for compassion in a hurtful situation. Instead, I read (all paraphrased, by the way):

* Don’t worry about it; life’s too short.

* The best revenge is living life to the fullest. That will show him!

* I know you’re hurting now but when you’re ready say the word and I can introduce you to someone who will appreciate you.

* Memorial Day Weekend’s almost here! Call me and we’ll go bar hopping!

* This is the push that you needed to move on. Let him go.

* I’m sorry to hear about this but maybe now you’ll know it’s over.

* It gets easier every day. Don’t let this get you down.

And so it went. She had over a dozen comments when I read the post. All I could think was, “What are these people saying?!?” Granted, we can’t see the messages or the one-on-one e-mails sent between people, but I was shocked. Not one person offered a word of encouragement from my perspective. There were offers to help ‘get revenge’ by dating and drinking; advice to ‘forget about’ the last 25+ years of her life and ‘move on’; suggestions that ‘it was about time’ she noticed something was amiss and she should have removed herself from the relationship long ago. Where was the compassion?

If I grieve because the 12 year old dog I’ve had since a puppy died today, would you tell me I shouldn’t have had a dog to begin with because they die? I don’t think so. You’d tell me to remember the good times, treasure the moments we were able to spend together and that grieving is good, natural and healthy. How is it any different with a human relationship?

An affair is a horrible thing to happen in any relationship but it doesn’t necessarily mean the end. People do and say all kinds of hurtful things when they’re hurting. I believe the saying, “Hurt people hurt people” but why encourage them to hurt? Would you tell me I shouldn’t have been married and shouldn’t have had kids because statistically my marriage would end in divorce? I hope not.

I think if this woman had accepted the end of her relationship before the affair the post would have read differently. I also think if her husband had a history of cheating and her friends knew about it, the comments would have been different. My impression is that the marriage was on the rocks and the husband had, perhaps, the first affair of which his wife became aware. But again, I don’t know. And neither do you.

We don’t know the background related to the post. Perhaps she had turned cold and distant and her husband, seeking to validate his worth as a person, sought the comfort of someone he saw as compassionate and caring. What if the husband was just a screw-up from the get-go and this was the first affair he in which he was caught? We don’t know.

Perhaps most troubling to me is the lack of respect her friends have shown her. They were together over 25 years. Were her friends encouraging her to leave the whole time? Were her friends offering to take her bar-hopping or to meet someone new the whole time? At what point did her friends seem to know better than her what she wanted or needed? More importantly, at what point did the woman ask for everyone to comment publicly on her life? On this I know I’m a hypocrite, but I’m trying to make a point.

Again, to me, a friend is someone who provides counsel when asked, listens when appropriate and bears your burdens with you as if they were their own. Which of her friends offered an ear to listen or a shoulder upon which to cry? None that I saw. No one said they would stand with her and help her through this regardless of the outcome. The only offers given were for revenge and starting over. Perhaps the woman wants neither revenge nor to start over with someone new. What if she just wants a fresh start with her husband? That, apparently, is not an option her friends will consider. Everyone knows better than her it seems.

I noticed she did not call her husband a foul name or curse him to hell. She did not ask for pity or claim moral superiority. She just cried from the heart. Unfortunately, in my opinion, she cried to the wrong people and I can empathize with her. Unless you’re going through, today, exactly what I’m going though, you don’t understand. Your situation is different than mine. Don’t come out of your white picket fenced, perfectly manicured yard to come down the street and tell me how to fix my flower bed. But people will and people do, all thinking they’re helping when actually what you need is healing.

The best pop-culture example I can cite is Seinfeld. In one episode, Kramer wants to break up with his girlfriend. Jerry and Elaine tell Kramer exactly what they think of her and that it’s ‘about time’ he dumped her. So he did. And then he had second thoughts and they got back together. Where did that leave Jerry and Elaine with respect to his girlfriend in Kramer’s eyes? If this woman wants to forgive her husband for his affair and continue to work on the relationship, where does that leave the friends that encouraged her to leave him?

If I’m your friend, it’s not my place to offer advice if you don’t ask. Neither is it my place to say, “I told you so” if you choose to follow your own path and later accept and follow my advice. My responsibility to you is to be a trustworthy, loyal, faithful friend with whom you can laugh or cry and know I’m laughing or crying with you. But if I’m telling you how much better you’ll feel by listening to me offer unsolicited advice when I haven’t gone through the same heartbreak as you, I’m not your friend. I’m just trying to elbow my way into your life.

That’s it. I think I’m done venting. Thank you for your time.